THE SECRET TO SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS
IS SOMETHING I HAVE NEVER FIGURED OUT. I’M OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS.
A collection of the funniest View From the Bleachers humor articles
MY LATEST BOOK, NOW AVAILABLE AT AMAZON.COM
THE SECRET TO SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS
Is Something I Have Never Figured Out. I’m Open to Suggestions.
READ MY NEWEST BOOK CALLED THE SECRET TO SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS AND IN SIX WEEKS BECOME MORE SUCCESSFUL AND HAPPIER THAN IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS. I GUARANTEE IT.*
[ * Offer not valid in states or countries with a vowel in their name.]
I am thrilled to inform my loyal View from the Bleachers readers – and even those of you whose loyalty I question – that my newest book is NOW AVAILALBE for purchase at reputable online bookstores like Amazon.com, not to mention of few shady, fly-by-night retailers I’d rather not mention. So I won’t. If calling it my “newest” book leaves you with the impression that I’m a prolific author who has written dozens of successful books, then, well, I’m okay with that.
The book is called THE SECRET TO SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS (is something I have never figured out. I am open to suggestions).
HOW TO BUY MY BOOK
My book is available in three formats:
Paperback, Four-Color Interior: $29.95 > Order it here
Paperback, Black& White Interior: $19.95 > Order it here
Kindle Digital Print (eBook): $9.95 > Order it here
The Kindle version is available for immediate download onto a Kindle device (or comparable ebook reader). Print versions take roughly 10 days to print and 3 – 5 days to ship. (Please be patient. It’s worth the wait, I promise.)
WHY I WROTE THIS BOOK
As I have told my regular View from the Bleachers readers many times over the years, my life has been filled with incredible happiness – in part thanks to my longstanding insanely happy marriage to my best friend, actress / singer / humanitarian Jennifer Lopez. (The rampant rumors on social media that she and Ben Affleck are back together are just fake news, maliciously spread by Ben Affleck… and Jennifer Lopez.)
I attribute my incredible career success to several factors, including a collection of highly incriminating photos in my possession featuring several prominent Fortune 500 CEO’s in compromising positions, each of whom offered me a lucrative payday never to release the photos. In other words, I earned my career success the old-fashioned way: blackmail.
Okay, so technically speaking, I’m not married to Jennifer Lopez (we’re just friends with benefits). And maybe I didn’t make a fortune from CEO’s paying me hush money. I wrote this book because my wife was sick and tired of the fact that I spent half my days lying on the couch, watching reruns of Ellen and old episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond and said that it’s about time I contributed to this family’s financial wellbeing. Please get my wife off my back by purchasing this book.
ABOUT THIS BOOK
I titled this book THE SECRET TO SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS because I figured there are millions of people out there seeking this kind of life-altering information. People who wanted an easy shortcut to financial security, career success, and emotional wellbeing.
The fact that this book has absolutely no advice to help with any of these challenges is not my problem. Heck, you should have paid closer attention to the book’s sub-title: “is something I have never figured out. I’m open to suggestions.” It’s not my fault that you skimmed the book cover and made this impulse purchase without realizing it’s a humor book and not an actual self-help book.
Actually, this book is a collection of the most popular articles from my long-running humor blog, View from the Bleachers. If any of the articles in this book happen to veer off into the subjects of how to find happiness or success, well, that’s completely by accident, I assure you.
This book is as likely to help you find success and happiness in life as a common housecat will be able to explain the Offside Rule in soccer. But it is my sincerest hope that it will make you laugh – a lot. And in a way, laughter is a fleeting form of happiness, isn’t it?
I’ve heard my book is under serious consideration for a Pulitzer Prize. At least that’s the rumor I’m spreading. So, do me a favor and post something about this on your Facebook page, okay?
WHO SHOULD BUY THIS BOOK
This book is for anyone who enjoys laughing. It is also ideal for people looking for a way to distract themselves from the excruciatingly dull existence their life has become. If you’re feeling sad, depressed, or wanting to give up on life, by all means, consult a therapist immediately. But while you’re waiting for your appointment, why not buy this book and read a few chapters to tide you over?
If you love this country – or even if you don’t – this book is ideal for you. If you’re Vladimir Putin, DO NOT buy this book (because it’s not currently available in Russian – maybe next year).
This book is the perfect gift for that special someone for their birthday, an anniversary, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Hanukkah, or Flag Day. (I’m pretty sure gift-giving is a central component of celebrating Flag Day nowadays. I could be wrong.)
If you don’t know what gift to buy your boss, sorry, but I really can’t help you. I’ve never met your boss. But you probably can’t go wrong with giving them a copy of this book. If they don’t enjoy it, they can always re-gift it to someone they don’t particularly care for at next Christmas’ holiday office party.
READ WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT THIS BOOK!!!
Okay, this section is currently blank. That’s because my book just became available a few days ago, so cut me some slack, okay? I will update this section after I have some comments from readers – unless their comments are all negative, in which case, I’ll make up some amazing testimonials that sound almost plausible.
ASK ABOUT VOLUME DISCOUNTS: Buy 1,000 or more copies, and I will personally come to your house and carpet shampoo up to four rooms of your choice. Purchase 5,000 copies and I’ll rename my eldest daughter after you. I’ve already run this idea past her, and she’s okay with it. Frankly, she never particularly cared for the name we gave her: Rainbow Unicorn.
MY PERSONAL MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE: If you follow the life and career strategies detailed in this book, and after six months you are no closer to achieving success or happiness, then you must be doing it wrong. Good luck getting your MONEY BACK.
(Three versions: Four-Color paperback, Black & White paperback, or Kindle)
I am So Sick of White Guys
A Coloring Book Experience
The Perfect Book to Annoy Your Right-Wing Friends…
I am So Sick of White Guys
Despite the overwhelming demand after my first book (below) from hundreds of people begging me to never write another book, I am pleased to announce I wrote another book. It’s called I am So Sick of White Guys – The Coloring Book Experience.
It’s a joint collaboration with my fellow humorist, Jim Corbett, with illustrations by caricature artist Steve Hartley. That’s right, for the first time ever – and quite possibly the last – this innovative book mixes two genres together – political satire and adult coloring books. These two genres have NEVER been combined before – and probably for good reason.
We wrote this book mainly to annoy all our far right conservative friends. So far, it appears to be working like clockwork.
The book costs just $10.00 – unless you’re a Trump supporter, in which case the book costs $500.00. And if you’re a Trump supporter, trust me, you’re not going to appreciate this book, so I would just stop reading now.
Order it today. Shipping is free for Amazon Prime members (or $249.95 for Trump supporters).
ABOUT THIS BOOK
I am So Sick of White Guys: The Coloring Books Experience combines the long and revered American tradition of political satire with the latest popular craze, ‘adult coloring books.’ If you are sick of news reports of yet another white guy abusing his power and taking advantage of your government, your financial system, your society and your culture, to pad his own wallet, then I am So Sick of White Guys may provide an amusing outlet for your frustrations. (Time to break out your crayon – you’ll only need one color!)
The book features a collection of beautifully crafted illustrations like the one below that skewer some sacred cows (and a fair number of pigs as well) that have grabbed more than their fair share of the pie over the years while convincing the world that the only opinion that really matters is the opinion of a white guy with money or power. Each image is accompanied by witty, sarcastic and sometimes even snarky comments that just might be the elixir you need to help you cope with what is happening to the greatest democracy the world has ever known. (Remember when our elections were decided by an insane thing called the ‘Electoral College,’ instead of an even more insane thing called Russia?)
I am So Sick of White Guys will look great on top of that pile of magazines accumulating on your coffee table you’re never going to get around to reading and will be a provocative conversation starter as guests peruse the depictions of some of your favorite prime-time foils.
It has been suggested (by the authors) that if enough people buy I am So Sick of White Guys, more people will be energized to vote in America, which could lead to a world in which the opinions and contributions of ALL people were valued equally and perhaps—just perhaps— a world in which true progress could be made toward life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. So, in a way, buying a copy of this book just might change the world. Not a bad return on your small investment.
The book costs just $10.00. Surely you’re not so cheap that you have to think about whether you can afford it, are you? This book was published by CreateSpace and is currently available as a paperback (and soon as a Kindle). It is also available at other major online retailers everywhere, particularly the ones that will just sell you any sort of crap and have no literary standards.
10% of Profits Go to the Southern Poverty Law Center
You read that correctly. We are donating ten percent of all profits from book sales to the Southern Poverty Law Center, the premier U.S. non-profit organization monitoring the activities of domestic hate groups and other extremists – including the Ku Klux Klan, the neo-Nazi movement, neo-Confederates, racist skinheads, black separatists, anti-government militias, and others hate groups. Order a copy of this book and you will be doing a small part to fight hatred, bigotry and social injustice in the world. Buy 10,000 copies of the book and we will personally publish the Russian hotel room tape of Trump with the hookers and bring him to justice once and for all – just as soon as we can locate the tape.
Critics are talking about I’m So Sick of White Guys
“My favorite book since, ‘Profiles in Courage,’ which I absolutely did read, believe me!” – Donald J. Trump “
You think YOU’RE sick of White Guys!?” – Melania Trump
“Finally, a coloring book sure to offend EVERBODY!” – Nathan Anderson, Tribune Herald Gazette
“I like this book; I’m in it. And you only need one crayon – white. I like white.” – The Grand Wizard
“This book is made with 100% biodegradable, recycled ideas! Well done, guys!” – Herb Nussbaum, Spokesperson, Department of Conservation
“We’re gonna make White Guys great again. So much winning. So much winning. White guys are going to be sick of so much winning.” – Anonymous
You’re Grounded for Life
Buy My Parenting Humor Book
and I Will Put You In My Will!!
I am thrilled to inform you that I have written my very first book. It’s called YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE – Misguided Parenting Strategies that Sounded Good at the Time, and it’s now available for purchase at fine retailers everywhere, as well as a few shady outlets I would never set foot in. My book was published by LULU Press and is currently available as an eBook or paperback at Lulu.com. In addition to Lulu.com, it is also available on at https://www.amazon.com/Youre-Grounded-Life-Misguided-Strategies/dp/148344354X/, BarnesandNoble.com and other major online retailers everywhere (with the possible exception of Latvia – Latvians never seem to have appreciated my sense of humor).
Buy My Book And Save a Puppy (not really)
Buy the paperback version here – for the insanely low price of $9.95 (Allow 3 – 5 business days for delivery).
Buy the eBook version here– for the ridiculously low price of $6.99 Note: this eBook was created in the ePub format (not PDF format), so that it can be viewed on eBook readers. If you can’t open this eBook on your reader after downloading it, you may need to download Adobe Reader – Digital Edition, which you can download for free from the Adobe website here.
About This Book
What is YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE about? Glad you asked. It’s a collection of some of my favorite essays about the myriad of challenges of parenting in the era of Facebook, texting and selfies. If you’re a parent – or just thinking about making arguably the biggest mistake of your life by starting a family – then YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE may make you a better parent. Probably not. In fact, I’m laying 10-to-1 odds it won’t. But you never know. Every once in a blue moon a fan sinks a free throw from half court at halftime during an NBA game and receives a check for $10,000. So anything’s possible.
Whether you’re the parent of a toddler, a middle schooler or a college sophomore, you’ll find innovative parenting strategies I have tried – all with disastrous results. If nothing else, comparing your own frustrated parenting efforts to the misguided parenting strategies described in this book is pretty much guaranteed to make you look like a finalist for Parent of the Year by comparison.
How to administer punishment effectively, how to get your kids to do their homework without having to nag them, and how to make sure your kids grow into respectful, conscientious, loving siblings are all excellent topics that I wish I had thought to include but completely forgot about until just now. Drat!
The book contains a variety of powerful, innovative child-rearing strategies, which, if applied exactly as I recommend in my book, will most likely result in only minimal long-term damage to your child’s fragile psyche.
REVIEWS ABOUT THIS BOOK
(Honest, I didn’t pay these people to say these things!)
✭✭✭✭✭ “This book is really, really, really, really, really funny and I’ve never before rated a book with more than three reallys!” – Anonymous Amazon.com review
✭✭✭✭✭ “This guy writes like Dave Barry! I laughed from beginning to end. Wish he had more books I could read. Highly recommend this!” – Miriam T.
✭✭✭✭✭ “Guess what? You don’t have to have kids to enjoy this very funny book! As an Aunt with LOTS of experience babysitting nieces and nephews, I found this book easy to relate to AND hilarious. A laugh-out-loud, FUN read!! Tim’s writing style is intelligent, clever and honest. Great book to give as a gift to parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, even babysitters!” – Anonymous Amazon.com review
✭✭✭✭✭ “Back in the day I ran a modestly successful parenting site, combining advice, experience and humor, but Jones beat me by a mile. I was clever, but Tim really knocked it out of the park with this one. Been a fan of his blog for 5-6 years, so maybe I’m biased, but this was just really darn enjoyable.” – Anonymous Amazon.com review
✭✭✭✭✭ “Tim Jones makes an excellent case for birth control. He brought back memories that took years of therapy to deal with. Tim has a tremendous wit and this is great. Totally entertaining!” – Doug P.
✭✭✭✭✭ “To quote well-know sage and humorist Steven Colbert, “I laughed, I cried, I lost 15 pounds” after reading this book. But mostly I laughed. As a parent who also raised two daughters, Tim’s very funny insights into the complicated and utterly bewildering job of parenting certainly hit home with me, as I’m sure it will with most parents and their children. Give it a read. I can’t guarantee you will lose 15 pounds, but you will be smiling, and perhaps crying, throughout as you recognize your family dynamics in these pages.” – Steve M.
✭✭✭✭✭ “Laugh out loud funny — and many pearls of wisdom in there too!” – Anonymous Amazon.com review
✭✭✭✭✭ “A witty, honest and fun read for parents, for people thinking about becoming parents, and for those looking for reasons to avoid becoming parents.” – Stephen F.
✭✭✭✭✭ “The author is a genuinely great dad but one that can’t help put to words what most parents would slap themselves for thinking. Jones is today’s Dr. Spock, only without the educational degrees, sensitivity or lucid thoughts. A must for every parent who wants to instill independence in their children by motivating them to move out early…real early and far, far away.” – Anonymous Amazon.com review
✭✭✭✭✭ “I don’t know if you have to be a parent to enjoy this book as much as I did, but I think it helps. There is a sort of sly experienced wisdom to the broad comedy Tim Jones deploys so deftly, and it helps strike the balance every parent recognizes between sheer absurdity of life with kids and the unexpectedly profound moments that seem to come wrapped in angst, tears, unidentifiable goo, and head-shaking. I recommend YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE, whether you’re early in the kid-raising going or an old hand whose offspring are safely parceled off someplace far from home, and especially encourage it as a baby-shower gift to first-timers– you can’t be too prepared and this book could well be that long-sought-after text on what is really ahead.” – David G.
✭✭✭✭✭ “A funny and heartwarming gift for parents to be or anyone struggling with parenting issues. The author’s perspective on life with kids is a series of essays that cover just about every child rearing mood and moment. Reading this book is like binge-watching your favorite sitcom…you can’t put it down for fear the laughing will stop and reality will kick in.” – Anne B.
✭✭✭✭✭ “Great fun! I wish I had Tim’s spot on advice when I was raising my kids. I can only hope I will be able to apply his wisdom to my grand-kids. Must read for parents who’ve been there – and for those who have the road yet to travel.” – Elizabeth J. “Actually, I haven’t read the book yet.” – Tim Jones’ wife Michele
Buy the Paperback version here – $9.95 (Allow 3 – 5 business days for delivery) Buy the eBook version here – $6.99 Note : this eBook was created in the ePub format (not PDF format), so that it can be viewed on eBook readers. If you can’t open this eBook on your reader after downloading it, you may need to download Adobe Reader – Digital Edition, which you can download from the Adobe website here.
Listen to my podcast interview with Donna Cavanagh, Editor of Humor Outcasts (a humor website) here. Tim Jones